Van Helsing
 Rufus  rates it:    Community rates it: (no ratings yet)
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I was really dreading doing this review. I watched the movie, sat down to type, then stopped. I again watched the movie, and started the process all over. Now weeks later, here I am again, doing the same thing. I must proceed however. I have a duty, as a self proclaimed professional reviewer, to be strong and get it over with. I must persevere!! Ok, here it goes…

Van Helsing is bad.

What!? The review is too short? Ok, I’ll elaborate.

Hugh Jackman is Van Helsing. He is a fighter for a secret monk society to destroy monsters. I just want to make a quick point about the monk society. I have seen so many movies with a secret monk society. Seriously!! Why do we never see any secret kick ass Rabbi societies? Anti-Semites!!

Anyhow, after killing Mr. Hyde (of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde fame) he gets assigned a new job. Find out what is going on with some Gypsy’s, a curse, and a vampire. What the viewer gets is a story involving the Universal Studio’s Monster Greats; Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein. Another main character is the always gorgeous Kate Beckinsale. She may be beautiful, but even her beauty could not help her in this movie. Her acting is stiff, and the fake accent was grating. I could not figure out why such a gifted actress like her could be so bad. After starring in such wonderful movies as…Pearl Harbor. (Let’s just hope her beauty never fades.) I do not want to go further into the story, because there are attempts at twists and turns. I do want to just say though, that the story has got to be the dumbest ever. I lost more brain cells watching this movie, than if I had a binge weekend with Keith Richards.

Like Sommers “The Mummy” series this is a no thought summer movie; a lot of action and CGI. Normally I despise the use of computer effects, especially creature effects. I come from the school of Carpenter and Winston. (That’s John Carpenter and Stan Winston to the uniformed) The decline of animatronics has always brought a tear to this Bum’s eyes. This movie however, did have some impressive creature effects. The werewolf looked great, and I was impressed with some scenes of Mr. Hyde. Dracula, however, left much to be desired.

Overall, this was a mind numbingly bad movie. The story was ridiculous, and the acting was poor. I enjoyed The Mummy and Mummy Returns, but those had charm, and an Indiana Jones feel. This movie though just left me comatose, with a small strand of spit hanging from my lip. Say it ain’t so Wolverine, say it ain’t so.

Added:  Saturday, April 09, 2005
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