Motor Home Massacre
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First of all, I was shocked to find that MOTOR HOME MASSACRE (2005) is actually listed on IMDb. Second, I was dismayed to discover that of the three user reviews recorded there, two of them are unqualified raves! Then I remembered that, occasionally, a film's investors and other interested parties will happily skip over to IMDb and use their vivid imaginations to concoct wildly complimentary reviews for some of the foulest, most stencherrific slabs of cinematic garbage ever slapped onto a DVD. Of course, I'm not saying that's the case here -- I'm just saying I remembered it.
Well, since I have nothing invested in it besides 88 minutes of my life that I will never, ever, ever, ever get back, please allow me to add my own assessment of this movie -- it sucks. And believe me, I didn't have to use my imagination to come up with that. With a name like MOTOR HOME MASSACRE, you just know it's either going to be total boring crap, or total so-bad-it's-semi-entertaining crap. Thank goodness this one falls (or perhaps "splats" would be more descriptive) a bit closer to the latter, as we are treated to some of the dumbest characters in film history awkwardly barking some of the worst dialogue ever written as they prepare to hop into their motor home (actually it's Benjamin's mom and dad's motor home, so come on, guys, be careful, huh?) and toodle over to Black Creek Park for some weekend camping. Romantic camping, that is! Our cast of dummies consists of: two pairs of hot 'n' heavy lovers who can't wait to "git it own" under the stars; Roger, a coarse Neanderthal lug who picks his nose and flicks the boogers, and cuts huge reeking farts at everyone whilst trying to win the affections of beautiful blonde Sabrina, who is morosely nursing a broken heart since her boyfriend broke up with her seven months earlier; and the aforementioned happy-go-lucky nerd Benjamin, who lives in his parents' basement and sometimes steals their motor home when they leave town, and who thinks Sabrina is just swell. One of the romantic couples boasts a character named Lincoln who deserves special mention -- he's absolutely the worst "white guy who wants to be black" character in motion picture history, even though he has a crappy Eminem haircut and sits around rappin' 'bout bitches and hoes and saying' "dawg" and all dat, and he's still whiter than Pat Boone takin' a bubbly milk bath, yo.
So they go to Black Creek Park, see, and the first thing they encounter is a murder scene where some local cops are investigating the brutal slaying of some campers the night before. Well, dat's wack, yo, but the head cop won't let them leave the park until the investigation is over for some damn reason that I don't understand, but it doesn't really matter, does it, so they pick out a nice spot to park the motor home and sit around the campfire in lawn chairs drinking alcoholic beers and smoking mary-joo-wanner reefers and gettin' ready for some, ooh, lovin'. Then a girl named Nicole wanders into their camp because she just got thrown out of the last group she was with because they wanted to do a three-way and she wasn't into that sort of thing, so she sits and tells everybody about how her psychotic boyfriend that she just broke up with is stalking her and how really jealous and scary he is, and I thought to myself "Wow, I wonder if he's going to be the killer", and we get to see a flashback where the couple Nicole had been camping with earlier get the ever-livin' crap murdered out of 'em right after she left. (The flashback also has boobies in it -- yeah, baby!)
Well, two of the campers just can't contain their carnal urges any longer so they scamper off and scoot into a pup tent for some of the old in-out, in-out, and we get to see some more boobies -- yeah, baby! -- right before they get brutally killified by a machete-wielding psycho. Yay! I mean, aww. It doesn't take long before more of our beloved lead characters begin to get the old hackeroo treatment (with gore effects right out of the "squirt ketchup on 'em" school), so the survivors lock themselves in the motor home. Roger wants to fire it up and get the hell out of there, but no! Sabrina won't let him because what's-her-name (Eminem-Lite's girlfriend, whatever the hell her character's name was) is still out there and they must wait for her to return! Roger doesn't want to wait, so he ties up those pesky do-gooders Sabrina and Benjamin and lays rubber outta there. Unfortunately, what's-her-name is beating on the back of the motor home trying to get back in when it takes off, and a dangling rope gets tangled around her ankles, and she gets dragged a couple of miles before the motor home's motor conks out in the middle of nowhere.
Is what's-her-name dead? Will Sabrina and Benjamin get loose and save the day? And who is that mysterious figure who appears from out of nowhere wearing a big hooded jacket and goggles and wielding a machete? Is it Nicole's jealous boyfriend? Or is it someone else -- like, maybe, a super-surprise mystery person that you would never have suspected to be the actual killer in a million, billion years? I just couldn't live with myself if I were to give it all away and rob you of the pleasure of finding out for yourself.
Needless to say, MOTOR HOME MASSACRE should be avoided at all costs unless you're one of those lucky people who enjoy watching the very worst movies that exist (such as myself, which is why I'm giving it an entire can instead of just half of one). I will say, in its defense, that it's slightly better than the home movies my friends and I used to make back in junior high. But that's the only thing in the entire universe that it's better than, except maybe getting hacked to pieces by a machete-wielding psycho. Maybe.
Added: Thursday, April 13, 2006
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