Graveyard, The
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Remember when SCREAM came out we were blessed (cursed) with numerous clones? We got I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER with that top heavy cutie Jennifer Love Hewitt. That one wasn't too bad. Then we get URBAN LEGEND, which again wasn't completely worthless. There were also numerous fecal ridden direct to video clones that frankly I would like to forget about. While I looked forward to a day when these DTV messes would stop taking up shelves in our video stores, I have now given up. There are just too many out there to warn everyone about. The good news however is I just received one the other day that I can warn all of you out there to avoid. THE GRAVEYARD is a complete rip off of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, but throws even more plot holes, ridiculous dialogue (if you can even call it dialogue), mind numbing illogical moments, and worse yet...... boring kills. Yes, the worse thing that a slasher movie could do is give the viewer boring kills. Honestly, that's the one thing that this movie did well. It excelled in boring kills. I guess that's something.

Since all the characters seem to blend together and I had no need to remember their names, see if you can follow along.

disclaimer: Names have been changed due to not being important, nor did I care enough to find out.

One night in a graveyard some friends get together to play hide-N-seek. "Joe" is chosen to be "it" and begins counting. He is then attacked by a knife wielding maniac. He begins running from the killer and slams into the hole in the gate that they entered the graveyard with, impaled on some rod iron. What is this?!? It turns out that it was all a joke played by all the friends against their now dead friend. Some friends, huh? Boy, you should have seen the look on his face. Hahahaha! Got ya!

Anyways, we flash forward 5 year later. Turns out the only person that got in trouble for this little "prank gone wrong" was the guy wearing the mask, "Bobby". 5 years in jail for that? What about everyone else involved? Again anyways, with the kind words from one of his friends, we'll call her "Nancy", he gets out of jail. With his new freedom his friends decide to all go back to where "Joe" died and hang out together. Now, if I spent 5 years in jail and no one else involved even gets community service, the last thing I want is to see them. I think I would have some anger issues with all the "fish" duties I would have to do after 5 years in prison. Yeah, I would be bitter.

So they all reunite at the camp ala THE BIG CHILL, and hang out. The only newcomer is the cook who has his eyes on "Nancy". Gee, I wonder who the killer could be........

People die, people scream, people do stupid things. It all builds up to the "reveal" of the killer (as if you had no clue) and we get the whole story of why. These are always the worst parts of these SCREAM clones. I don't care why someone is killing another honestly. These movies have longer villain speeches than any James Bond movie that I have seen.

The best part of the movie, and by best I mean the most illogical, stupid, mind numbing part, is the killer. He seems to be able to teleport himself to make the kill. Do not believe me? Well, we get a scene where the cook, "Nancy", and her friend "Sue" are walking in the woods looking for another of their friends who goes missing. Jumping out of the trees is a lesbian in a biker jacket. What the hell? Lesbians falling out of the sky? Turns out that this lesbian, we'll call her "Rick", is "Sue's" angry girlfriend. Oh, "Sue's" a lesbian? I wonder if that will have any addition to the story. No? Oh, okay. And how long has this woman been sitting up in that damn tree? What are the chances that "Sue" was just going to walk under that tree?

Anyways, so "Rick" is abusive verbally to "Sue" and the friends band together to tell "Rick" to get lost. Then the cook, "Nancy" and "Sue" continue to look for their missing friend. Alone is poor "Rick" who while walking deep into the woods in the opposite direction as the others gets killed by the masked killer. Huh? How the....who the......
How can a man be in 2 places at once? Is THE GRAVEYARD a deeper meaning than a pointless, cliché slasher? Are we talking astrophysics here? Nope, just a writer that has the memory of goldfish I guess.

Let's wrap this up. I am getting bitter. The look of the film is crisp, and the direction is passable, but with so many illogical moments, horrible dialogue and not one item of creativity this is not worth a penny. You know the worst part fellow Bums? This was directed by LETHAL EVICTION's Michael Feifer. That movie was a surprise hit in my eyes, and wonderfully directed. Well, sorry Feifer, but this is strike one on your record. Since I am such a giver I will give this film an extra half can for the topless sex scene and also shower scene that we are blessed by such a fine actress. That is as far as my generosity can go however. Keep THE GRAVEYARD where it belongs, underground and buried.

Added:  Wednesday, July 19, 2006

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