I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
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Normally I could care less about you teenagers, but enough is enough. After three “Last Summer” movies, you need someone with a little forward thinking to offer some sage advice.

Stop killing people and not telling the police! That’s all you have to do. Presto – no more Fisherman gutting you poor stupid bastards.

And as for you, Fisherman…what the hell are you doing in Colorado? What oceanic voyage were you hoping to catch? Either move back to the coast, or get a new gig. This one was played out after the first flick. You need to learn from Jason and Michael Myers…expand your market.

Or better yet – don’t. This series never should have been a series to begin with. Hang up the hook and retire.

“Always” rehashed the basic plot of the first movie – teenagers kill somebody, cover it up, and get hacked to bits by the Gordon Fisherman – but without the endearing revenge motive. And I ask again, why the hell is he in Colorado? He’s like a sheep herder in Miami. There’s no point.

And I guess that’s MY point. It seems the only reason this movie exists is to sell box sets of the first two movies, the first one decent, the second marginally entertaining.

I love a well done teenage slasher movie, but recently the requisite ingredients (inventive deaths and pointless T&A) are lacking. “Always” combines stereotypical characters that I couldn’t connect with emotionally and the most barren of plots. There was zero involvement from the viewer’s point. At least with charismatic villains (Freddy & Chucky) you can root for them if you don’t like the teen fodder, but not this time around. The Fisherman has the personality of, well, a dead fish.

“I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer” typifies what’s wrong with mainstream horror these days, and the only reason I can recommend it is if you’re writing a thesis on the death of American horror. ½ can out of 5.

Added:  Monday, July 24, 2006
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