Zombiegeddon
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There is nothing like putting a movie into your player and having Uwe Boll himself tell you that what you are about to see is worthless and not worth your time. No joke! Damn, did this make me want to watch the movie even more. What movie is so bad that the father of all horrible and worthless movies would tell me to skip? I'm talking about Troma and Chris Watson's Zombiegeddon. Was Uwe Boll right? Was it NOT worth my time? Well, no. Sadly it wasn't half bad which is where my major disappointment came from.

The film opens up with radio personality Laura Reynolds (the always enchanting Brinke Stevens) sliding over after a roll in the sack with Jesus Christ himself (Tom Savini). Why does the film open with the son of God having gave Laura a holy beef blessing? Who knows really. Lost me there.

Laura heads off to work and we never see Jesus again. (Only in our prayers I guess) She is interviewing the local college's Dean when she goes into a tirade about the world ending by zombies. Enter the flashback. Turns out that chosen one's are...well chosen to kill zombies. All zombies really are from hell and have always been around. They blend in with humans and can change into their zombie form (ala Trancers) on a dime. To stop all zombies, the King zombie must be killed off making all of his followers head back down to hell.

Flash forward a bit to Jeff and Cage, two corrupt cops (Paul Darrigo and Ari Bavel) just having shot a guy for no reason really. After a day on the job, that consists of making some pulled over kids make out and stopping a domestic disturbance by shooting the husband, they get called to the local college because screams have been heard. Once there they realize that there are zombies walking around. Sweet Jesus! Not just your slow zombies, but also some kung-fu master zombies. Turns out that Jeff's dead father was a "chosen one" and now only he can stop the infestation before it overtakes the world.

The first half of the film seemed to crawl. Even the zombie attacks at the beginning were starting to put me asleep. Now this film is very, very low budget, and I knew that going in, but seeing a punch completely miss a face and having the zombie actor not knowing what to do when it he reaches his target is just sloppy. There was one scene in particular that the zombies stood in one place waving their hands in the air (I will not lower myself to asking if they care. Too easy) while dialogue took place between two characters less than a foot away. Come on people. I know this was tongue in cheek, but really. This seemed just sloppy to me.

Toward the last half of the movie, the story starts to work and the pace picks up, but only leads up to the unclimactic, and rushed ending. The tone of the movie also keeps changing which deeply ruined the overall feel. One moment the two cops kill a guy and talk about forgetting their extra "evidence planting" gun and then the next the mood seems serious.

One of the great things about many of the Troma releases is the nudity. Let me talk about the nudity for a moment, because all you fellow Bums know I do love my nudity. Here I have to say I was quite disappointed. When I see a sign saying women's locker room I tend to get giddy. When I saw the two women that were undressing I slightly cringed. We get one woman who, while having the two parts needed for the scene, looked like she could bench press me quite a few times. Hell, she even had the barbell nipple rings to prove it. The other girl had a huge boob tattoo. You know, the dreaded rose ala Roseanne Barr. I'll look for these two at the next Lynyrd Skynyrd concert after a few beers, but not on my TV screen. I'll pass thanks.

Now let's talk about the good. I can break the good down in three easy parts.

Part 1: The two corrupt cops. They were a blast to watch and to hear the dialogue between them was a hoot. Seeing Cage walk up to a domestic dispute and just shoot the guy was priceless. (When the man wants his Waffle House grits he has little time for details.) These two carried the film.

Part 2: Joe Estevez. This guys role was small, but I could have watched the back and forth between William Smith and Joe all day long. His delivery was priceless.

Part 3: Seeing all the cameos. I mean there are a huge amount of people that starred in this film. You'll see J.R Bookwalter, Tom Savini, Felissa Rose, Linnea Quigley Lilith Stabs, Jeff Dylan Graham and more. You can easily have a drinking game from all the faces that you will recognize.

Now the sad thing is I expected more. I wanted the movie to be either a gory and nudity laced over the top movie, or to be a movie so intentionally bad that I enjoyed ever minute of it. Instead it was too subdued and slow to be an over the top gore fest like some of Troma's releases, and had only parts to be even considered cheese. There were even moments of "acting" making the little over the top moments that it did have, feel way out of place. While the movie wasn't horrible, it wasn't good by any means. I hate movies that land in the middle, especially ones called Zombiegeddon, stars everyone in the B-horror industry, and released by Troma.

This should have been the cheese movie to end all, but ended up just being an okay movie with some humorous nerd moments sprinkled throughout. The three great things about the movie alone couldn't bring this into the recommended rent catagory. I'll chalk up the nudity as one extra humorous part bringing this one to a 2 1/2 out of 5 Cans, that overall wasn't bad, but dissapointed me and left me wanting a whole lot more.

Added:  Wednesday, August 16, 2006

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