Zoom
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After Disney’s “Sky High” hit the theaters and sold scads of DVDs, it only made sense for studios to ride the wave and churn out their own knockoff. Super hero movies are hot, so anything that features characters with super powers should do well, even if they’re formulated drivel.

Enter Sony’s “Zoom” – the formulated drivel.

Way back when, there was a team of superheroes that the government slapped together led by Captain Zoom (Tim Allen). Our vile leaders used Gamma Rays to increase their powers, and then something bad happened that made one of the team, Concussion (Kevin Zegers), Zoom’s brother, turn evil and get blown into another dimension. Or at least that’s what I remember from the flashback. Zoom lost his powers, grew some facial hair, and got old & bitter.

But now, Concussion’s on his way back to earth, and apparently he’s pissed (which the government can track on his mood ring or something). So the military, led by General Larraby (Rip Torn) needs something to distract Concussion long enough to shoot a giant net over him. Seriously. So instead of something nice and simple, a plan is hatched to bring Zoom out of retirement and train a new batch of under aged superheroes. Larraby’s all gung-ho to use his gamma rays again, but the science types – Dr Grant (Chevy Chase) and Marsha Holloway (Courtney Cox) opt for the more natural process of a series of montages. Eh, we’ve got time to kill since there’s no character development to speak of, let’s roll with Plan B. After several minutes of deliberation, the team is compiled. Let’s scope out these reluctant heroes that we’re supposed to root for, shall we?

Princess (Ryan Newman) – a little girl with superhuman strength. She has some sort of speech impediment that won’t let her make “R” sounds. So if she were to describe the film, she’d call it “cwappy”.

Mega Boy (Spenser Breslin) – a kid that can make different parts of his body grow (and not the way you learned about in health class). He has a pillow or something stuffed in his uniform, so Tim Allen can make fat jokes. Sweet!

Wonder (Kate Mara) – she was over 20 when this was filmed, so it’s okay to look at her that way. Oh, and she can move stuff with her mind.

Houdini (Michael Cassidy) – yes, we’re only 4 characters deep in the team and the names suck that bad. He’s all brooding and tough and can make himself invisible, and later learns that he can use some sort of mental vision power to see around corners and stuff.

Zoom (still Tim Allen) – he can move really fast and is trying to forget his past. Hence the goatee, so we know he’s bitter. The only part of his body that still has the super speed is his index finger, which makes Courtney Cox rub her legs together like a cricket when she hears him warming up his love digit.

So we’ve got a team, some parent figures in Allen and Cox, and a UFO. What? A UFO? What the hell?

Yes, the team uses the UFO from Area 51 (they’re in Area 52, so it only makes sense) to get around. Oh, imagine the hilarity! No seriously, imagine it…because it’s not here.

While “Sky High” was entertaining, “Zoom” plods along like a hungover earthworm. Disney whipped up a killer soundtrack chock full of current artists remaking 80s tunes. Sony has Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth? Were Hootie and the Blowfish busy that weekend? Blech!

The adult actors phoned in their performances on this mishap, and the kids were so utterly cookie-cutter that it was hard to even like them a little bit. The plot was so thin you could read a newspaper through it and the only emotion I could feel was sympathy for Chevy Chase. He acted like he was tricked into doing the movie.

If you’ve made it all the way to the “Z” section and haven’t found anything to watch, turn around and look harder. This makes “Galaxy Quest” look like freekin’ “Streetcar Named Desire”. I’d give it a can and a half just for having Rip Torn in it, but I’ll take the half can back for an unnecessary snot joke. Yes, it’s a movie for kids, but come on, snot? 1 boring can out of 5.

Added:  Tuesday, April 17, 2007

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