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Besides our love of overindulgences, Americans also get a kick out of a walking tragedy. We can't turn away from a car accident, hundreds of us go blind whenever there's an eclipse, and whenever a celeb gives any sign of self destructing, we can't stop watching. Such was the case with Anna Nicole Smith. Nobody gave a rat's ass about her when she was an up and coming model, but when she hooked up with the 135 year old trillionaire that owned Texas, and then started getting caught on film wasted out of her skull, we had ourselves a new pastime. The mighty hype machine even blackmailed the normally upstanding management at E! to dedicate prime time just to following Smith around and let her make an ass of herself for us to watch. And she was the perfect subject. Dumb, blonde, at one time smoking hot, and willing to do anything for a buck. And just as John Candy left his otherwise spotless resume with the posthumous blemish of "Canadian Bacon", Anna Nicole's movie legacy ends with "Illegal Aliens".
"Illegal Aliens" is a bad movie, but it recognizes itself as one from the onset, so it does deserve some credit in that department. The basic gist is that some alien race left 3 of their kind here as guardians, and they've taken the form of hot chicks for the job. Well, two of them did. Lenise Soren as Cameron and Gladys Jimenez as Drew both looked amazing. Smith however was touted as such a nincompoop that any sex appeal she had left in the past few years was buried under fart jokes and acting like a high functioning retard. She made Curly from the Three Stooges look like a Rhodes Scholar.
Anytime you have protectors, there needs to be an antagonist, and in comes Rex, an interplanetary bad guy played by Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna until the WWE took the name back, and formerly known as Chyna Doll, until someone told her that she wasn't 9 years old anymore, so she's just Joanie Laurer now.
Rex is collecting parts to make some death machine to destroy the earth to save her home planet, and the Illegal Aliens have to save the day!
Laurer plays the villain to the hilt Ė abusing henchmen, laughing maniacally and such. Her portrayal is excessively over-the-topÖand itís hard to tell if it was scripted that way, or everyone on the set was too terrified to say differently.
Thereís no way Smith, on the other hand, could have adlibbed this role. There was no humor in her character (unless youíre 12 and still enjoy fart jokes) and all I could muster was pity. She was bizarre window dressing for Cameron and Drew. Whenever they had a serious scene to move the plot along, thereís Lucy in the background doing something stupid. Could the movie have stood on its own without her? Certainly. But would you have watched the Blue Falcon without Dynomutt, the Dog Wonder? Probably not.
Iím willing to bet that ďIllegal AliensĒ is going to get a lot of bad reviews. Itís easy to jump on the bandwagon panning a low budget release right after the death of the most well known star. Heck, if I gave half a damn about what other critics thought, itíd be easy enough to jump right in with them. But the truth is, it wasnít that bad.
Sure, the story was dumb, some of the effects were half baked and the ending sort of wandered off, but dammit, some parts were downright funny. I caught myself laughing out loud a few times, and if watching Cameron and Drew parading around in skimpier and skimpier outfits bothers you, we have nothing further to discuss. Itís not beating a path to the Oscars by any means, but there are far worse ways to kill a couple of hours. Not to mention, if Anna Nicoleís TV show didnít make you feel sorry for Americaís favorite train wreck, maybe thisíll put you over the edge. A decent rental or late night cable movie. 2 Ĺ cans out of 5.
Added: Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Language: eng[ Did you find this review helpful? Yes No ]
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