Happily N'Ever After
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Once upon a time there was a movie critic named Scraps. He was a dashing fellow with wit and charm that made him the most beloved critic in all the kingdom. Even when he was derogatory of someone’s work, his flowery forked tongue emitted such beautiful poetry that even the surliest of directors would buy him a flagon of mead mere moments after he told them that their mother rented her mouth out by the hour to longshoremen.

His work took him all over the world, from small indie hamlets no bigger than two or three inhabitants, to the gigantic metropolis of Disney, that was so big it was made up of several large divisions…er…cities. One stop that always filled him with trepidation was a city called Lion’s Gate, not because it was bad mind you, but because it was maddeningly inconsistent. Sometimes the townsfolk would present him with amazing movies that touched Scraps’ so deeply that he wouldn’t watch another movie for several days, hoping to not lose the wonderful feeling in his heart. Other times the dreaded serpent Ulli Lommel would greet him with his latest project, filling Scraps’ digestive tract with all sorts of vileness.

On this particular sunny day, Scraps was greeted at the entrance to Lion’s Gate by Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr., two actors he had met before and had earned his admiration. These two lovely specimens of genetics gone right were grinning from ear to ear as Scraps approached. Sarah spoke as Freddie looked on, “Greetings oh studly reviewer from the far reaches of the Midwest! I see the road has treated you well, and by your bulging sack I see that your journey truly is a long one.”

Scraps looked down at his traveling pants, but then quickly realized the actress was referring to his knapsack, full of skins of beer and containers of nachos. He laughed off the misunderstanding. “Aye fair former slayer of vampires,” he said, “I’ve been on the road for many a day, and would love to lay my heavy sack across your generous hands…but it appears there’s something there already!”

Sarah blushed a bit while Freddie rolled his eyes, and then she continued, “’tis true critic, while my hands later may caress the leather of your bag, they must first impart to you this, our latest work.”

Freddie spoke for the first time, somewhat impatiently, “It’s titled “Happily N’Ever After”, and was produced by the same team that produced “Shrek” and “Shrek 2”. We hope you enjoy it.”

Scraps took the box, examined it, and tucked it in his sleeve. “I’ve seen many a mother produce multiple times…but it doesn’t mean the whole brood is fair. Allow me some time to watch your DVD, and by the beginning of the banquet tonight, you shall have my review.”

The two actors ran off hand in hand merrily, while Scraps wandered inside the town to find a quiet room with a DVD player. Settled in with a flagon, Scraps popped in the DVD and began his work. And what a chore it was! The rugged critic wrote furiously in his scrolls, angry and bored at the same time. Scene after scene of crap flew by his eyes, seemingly ripped off from “Shrek” and “Hoodwinked”. Even after the movie was over his venomous pen still wrote furiously, finally sating his anger mere moments before the great feast began. Exhausted from his work, and slightly buzzed from all the mead, he wiped off his tunic, grabbed his review scroll and headed to the dining hall.

Inside the hall, the room thundered with applause as another reviewer finished praising a direct-to-DVD release from Lion’s Gate. He had all but licked clean the boots of the big shots, and all the actors swooned at his accolades.

The great oak doors of the hall swung open, and in walked Scraps, his travel gear already slung across his back. The room fell silent, and worried looks appeared on the faces of the “Happily N’Ever After” cast and crew (except for George Carlin, who seemed apathetic). Sarah Michelle Gellar rose from her seat, the brave spokesman for the group.

“My friend Scraps,” she said, “why have you packed for a journey? Surely you wish to dine with us and share your review…it would be a crime to miss out on such gaiety.”

Scraps bowed and replied, “m’lady, I do so enjoy your work on any night but this, but the only crime I’d commit this eve would be to spend one more moment on this drivel.” With that, he threw his review scroll on the floor, and it sputtered and spun towards the cast. “This is garbage, and with that, I bid you adieu and begin once again my journeys.” He turned and walked out of the hall as Freddie Prinze Jr. climbed around the table to read the review.

As the castle grew smaller in his wake, Scraps could hear the angry cries of the cast and crew as they read his hateful words…but such is the lonely life of the critic. As he contemplated the dust clouds rising from his boots, his mind wandered to his next stop…the dangerous shanty town of Tri-Star.

Added:  Wednesday, August 08, 2007

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