Masters of Horror: Valerie On The Stairs
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If you see "story by Clive Barker" you know that chances are you are in for some kinky stuff. Clive Barker is the Danielle Steele for horror fans. Where the overweight, cat loving lonely ladies get their Fabio hair stroke, Barker gives his fans raw, freak nasty, pain equals pleasure, S and M stuff. Both are fine, but sometimes good foreplay calls for putting a cigarette out on your lover's ass.

Can I get an amen Bums? Anyone? Just me, huh?

Anyways, Valerie On the Stairs is a Masters of Horror episode directed by Mick Garris from a story by Clive Barker and yes, it does revolve around raw lust. A down on his luck wanna-be writer checks into a home for struggling writers. You get a place to stay and write until you publish your first book or story. Once published, you are kicked out. Those are the rules. While up writing one night he hears the cries of a woman. He walks out of his room and sees a naked woman at the top of the stairs. He tries to help her but before he can reach her she gets pulled into the darkness. Screaming, he wakes up the neighbors who all think he is crazy because they heard or saw nothing. Another night goes by and this time he actually gets to mess around with this naked hottie. She soon gets pulled back into the darkness by a large beast. Of course he makes a scene again, people come out and don't believe him and again he is left thinking that his mind is slipping. He soon finds out that some of the tenants know more about this naked Valerie and her demon lover than they are saying.

The premise of the story is actually interesting. Interesting and hot. I've woken up to the sound of a woman crying numerous times. Unfortunately it is never a naked hottie but my wife crying because I kung-pow chopped her in my sleep. Here this guy gets a nude haunting of sorts. Is she real, a ghost or a troubled tenant that is allergic to clothing? Some of the tenants seem to know more they they let on. Why? The mysteries of the episode were all there, but it seemed to just fall apart towards the end. Instead of a slow unravelling, the episode just quit making any sort of sense. It tried to explain, yet failed. This all leads up to an ending that was unfortunately laughable. The last moments looked more like some Honda commercial than an episode of Masters of Horror.

Overall this episode wasn't bad, but also was not a complete winner. The naked Clare Grant as Valerie was...well naked, and she looked stunning, Christopher Llyod was in top form and Tony Todd just did his same ole' hard ass voice as the demon (which worked). If the mysteries led to something coherent then this would be a buy. Instead it is an episode that is a mixed bag of good ideas, great potential and failures. I do have to recommend a rent of this though. While disappointing, it was entertaining. Maybe you Bums could grasp what the hell was going on. If anything you get a little demon sex and a sobbing naked woman. Those 2 alone are worth a rent.

Added:  Thursday, August 16, 2007

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